Satellite Heart

I've always loved that song since the moment I heard it.
of course, there are lines that pretty much sum up my current state of mind:


"Don't you think it's wrong, can't you get it right?
out of mind and out of sight...
you know i haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing I see...
I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark.
I'm spun out so far, you stop, I start..
but I'll be true to you."

Sigh.
'tis but a dream in which I decide to tred.
and all the while, tis only in my bed
that I do walk the paths of dreams
or nightmares are sometimes what it seems.

Done.

Why can't anyone see me for who I am
and not what my god damn face looks like?

one word in a picture

:/

I don't have a broken heart.
but it's most certainly cracked.
twice in one summer. What a way to end it.
i just want to go back to how it was.
even though he says we're still best friends,
i can't ignore the ache pulsing in my heart.
its never easy, accepting rejection.

i didn't think something so small would mean so much.
i underestimated how large this had grown.
and this is how i pay for it...

someone, give me strength.
help me find the one I'm meant to be with.
or find someone willing to give me the chance.
I've never asked for more than a chance...
what have I done wrong?

I am sorry, dear blog, to have neglected you so this past month!
I was so busy with class and at the beach with my friends.... and really had nothing to input into your wonderful virtual pages....

the only thing on my mind is him...
I just wish I knew if I was on his.....

It's not hard to guess what this blog's about.
Michael Jackson.

I am saddened to hear of his passing, but I had to share some of these quotes people are writing on youtube and blogs all over:

"No one ever expects a King to die..."

"Who gives a damn about the bad things he did, or at least was accused of?? His music is known around the world as the music that literally wrote the history books and laid a foundation for music we listen to today. Forget the bad. Remember the King of Pop for what he should be remembered for."

"I'll be there... We weren't there... RIP"

And from me:

"I heard this [on the news June 26th]: "People are swarming onto online music stores to purchase Michael Jackson's Albums... People can't get enough." You know, it's really quite sad to see that only when someone dies does the world reopen it's eyes to someone like the King of Pop... why do people wait until after someone's gone to praise and show love for them?"

RIP

I have finally found a passion that I can see myself excelling in exponentially.
Sign Language.
So rare, so beautiful, so...
free.
I love it, and am going to plunge full speed ahead to become a certified interpreter.
EXCITEMENT!

Now, the theme that fits this blog:
falling.
I feel as if I'm falling into a territory I should have never plunged into in the first place.
Once so unthought of, I never thought twice about a friend of friends.
Always in agreement that nothing would ever develop.
nothing will ever change.

and yet, there it is, singing within my heart.
a whisper of a song singing deep within my soul.
a prayer of sorts wishing to come true.
a wanting, longing, burning feeling that never was welcome in the first place.

What trouble can I be in now?

When I get headaches like today's
I want to implode....

Not much to report except that sign language is going well and that I love it.
and that I don't think there is a soul on this planet who's looked at me since 07....

sad that I go back to that, but it's just what I've observed.
:/

"There's always possibilities"

Burned out.
That's how I feel.
So stretched over classes.
the stress of trying to find a job.
a better, more respectable job.
The pressure to finish my novels.
The pressure to never have "me" time.

so much.
it's all so much.

Kathleen was very, very wrong about you.
I thought there was something there...
but it turned out to be nothing more than a messed up signal.
Sadness fills my heart, yet I know...
I'll live.
I'll move on.
I'll find someone who really DOES feel something for this one, young person.

But I wish I could have had a chance...
don't blame me for thinking that.
don't be mad.
don't hate.
be glad someone out there actually cares...
for once.

It's hard loving someone who is never in the same place twice.
And yet...
It's harder to find a reason not to.
:)

deep

You know, my liking for you is like stargazing.

There are plenty of choices out there, but I only wish to think about one of them.

:]

Your crafty fingers grasp the finest part of my heartstrings.
My life goes on so that I can one day see your face again.
My anger stays bottled inside, changing my smiles into crooked, tear-soaked expressions.
Yet I have not the strength to fight back, to show you how hard my fists are.
You have this sickening grasp that chokes my heart.
Yet I love it.
I don’t want this grasp to disappear, yet the pressure in my veins heightens by the moments.
My eyes roll back as my life wavers on the edge of frustration and denial, yet I long for more.
The storm of your evil flirts with my storm of temptation.
My words make no sense, yet everyone understands.
It is only when they make sense that your walls deny the meanings.
The anger in me that longs to tell you how horribly distressed I get when you do this is screaming at my hands.
Punch something! Throw something! Do anything that will release me of this fury.
Yet I can’t.
I can’t hurt you.
I can’t scream to the heavens how hurt I get.
Yet the pressure builds, the tears extend, the longing in my suffocating heart grows deeper.
And it is only the beginning.
The beginning of the monster I have to tame.
I have to fight it, not you.
I have to fight the fact that no matter how deep the longing, how heavy the tears…


You will never see the love singing inside my crying heart.

Phew

Told someone how I feel...
let's see where this goes.
Could be good, could be bad. iunno.
good luck to me!

Leap

With a great leap comes 2 possible outcomes.

1. Success
2. Falling flat on your ass.....

my ass hurts. can someone catch me this time? please?

sigh..

It's so funny

How feeble this heart of mine is.
I wish, just once, I could attract the attention of your lusting heart.

just once.

:/

Flexibility Vs. Expandibility: Which would you rather have?

It took me a little while to come up with an accurate answer to this.

Flexibility allows you to mold yourself with previously set events and experiences.
I'd rather use expandability so that I could mold myself with everything, not just a few things.
(if that makes sense whatsoever)

I guess the idea of what I wanted to say sounded better than my words. hopefully you're smart enough to get that.



Today, I was in painting class, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. We showed off our master studies, everyone told me they loved mine. I loved everyone else's. But that's not the point of this story. We were all in the hallway, listening to critiques and answering questions, and about 95% of the time, I was in another world... only for one reason.

A friend's arm was resting on mine.........
I don't think I've been so live-wired. I hated standing there awkwardly in everyone's way, but I loved that feeling creeping in my stomach.
That's all it takes.... a touch.
I wish I had the guts to tell him that I have a thing for him.... but idk if that will ever happen.

I fear rejection......
but I fear never knowing either.
I have a decision to make...
perhaps, just maybe... someone is looking at me and sees more than a friend.

Reasons To Cherish

I have the most amazing best friends in the world.
Where would I be without these kids?
I love them so much :)

The Island of Capri

The Island of Capri... How I regret not taking the pictures I should have. A prime reason why I have to go back to Italy.
This is one of the most beautiful places on Earth.

just because

To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for?
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone wants to be loved
To be loved
What more could you ask for?
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone…

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words

I love this song!!
just had to share :)

It is on this day

that I am 20.
and to make my first post of my non-teenness interesting, here's a list of what I hope to do this year to better myself.

1. Discover and/or uncover the few males out there who are all for love (no pun intended to one of my only watchers :P)
2. To put myself out there in the job market and really make a splash.
3. Save something... animal, friend, hair from my head..... you name it.
4. Leave some sort of mark on someone, anyone, to better my flow of love in directions other than those whom have benefited to so long (but of course, I'll continue to shower them with everything I have)
5. Do something big for my parents.
and finally....


learn as much as I can about myself.
^_^

My mind is like a roller coaster

and so are some other things.
but for now.
we're back on the happy, fun curves and off the dreaded evil bore of straight tracking.

sure. lol

15 hours and 12 minutes til meh birthday!

burst into flames

once again, I go to bed crying.
and you don't care.
you don't even acknowledge me as a person.
just some annoyance that expresses care in your direction.

if you're my friend, tell me.
its not my fault you think you're better than everyone else.

Just a Quick Quote

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Excellent.
I just had to share it.

Always there

I have the sweetest friend around.
whether he knows it or not.. he was there for me today.
I'll never be able to thank him enough.


also..
i need to go to Chile and give a 4 year long hug to a guy named Sebastian.
so dut dut, let's go. I need to now. :)

when things are up, they're down

I got my internet back. yay. It wasn't me, it was the box down the road.
that's good news.

bad news.
the mortgage company doesn't want our 6grand payment for our house.
the hell I'm leaving it.
what good are lawyers and bankruptcy laws when everyone's going to suck the life out of us anyway?

I think I'd prefer a kiss from a dementor to this hell.

Ode to You

There was once a time, a boy I knew.
We talked on every day.
We laughed and played and it was great.
That's more than I can say.
On the phone, we used to chat
and talk for hours too.
We grew quite close, or so I thought.
(That's how I think of you.)

And up you went, you disappeared.
I didn't know what to do.
But still a loyal friend I was.
I always wrote to you.
The fourth day, the second month,
a card, I sent by mail.
To let you know I was still there.
But always, did I fail.

The cards came back, the thoughts astray.
I thought the worst for years.
But through those years, I never stopped.
I wouldn't accept those fears.

Upon stroke of luck, your face I saw.
The brother, I mistook.
So I made signs, "PLEASE FRIEND OF MINE",
Please read and take a look.
My plan was good, I found once more
the one I thought was you.
He helped me out, I thanked him then,
and to my home, I flew.

I found your name, I wrote to you.
But letter, did you deny.
I understand, I really do.
But just answer me this: why?
I remember back, back in those days.
your words at half past 3.
"Please don't do it, I really care.
You're like a sister to me."

So all I ask is that you think,
please listen when I say
that I have not forgotten you.
Those words stalk me today.
I never lied, I meant it then.
My words, I remember, too.
"Dear friend, you've been so kind to me,
and for that, do I thank you."

Dear friend, these words I write in hopes
that you will lay eyes on.
Would I so write something so clear
If I had wanted you gone?
I still care, I still remember
the thoughtful things you'd said.
And all I ask, on this cold day
is the hope that you have read.

I finish now, on this last verse.
It's corny, yes... and no.
But I've only wanted to see you.
I only wanted to know.
I cannot stress how deeply glad
I am to have found you.
but this is not enough, you see.
I wish you'll talk to me, too.

unequal

sickness + spring break = ?

? = NOT EQUAL!

>:(
boooo

hopeless?

he's not going to write back is he.......
why?

all I ever did for 6 years was care.
tf I don't deserve a reply

you'll never read this

but I have to ask as a personal ventilation exercise.
what happens when you need help or someone to talk to?
I help.
or talk to you.
i don't want to see you sad.

what happens when I need help or someone to talk to?
you're busy.
you "don't do that"
you turn away.





my heart breaks everytime I heal yours.

SUCCESS!

I FOUND MY FRIEND!


TBC.....

I miss my friend.
I want to talk to him.
but I don't know how.
I don't even know where he is.
and it kills me to know it's my fault I lost my chance.

But who here would ever understand
That the Pumpkin King with the skeleton grin
Would tire of his crown, if they only understood
He'd give it all up if he only could

Oh, there's an empty place in my bones
That calls out for something unknown
The fame and praise come year after year
Does nothing for these empty tears

Wonderment

First... I have a migraine that feels like it's ready to burst out of my skull and eyes, so I'm going to make this as quick as possible so I can curl up in bed.

okay. Lately, I have been letting some friends and professors I haven't seen in a bit know my current status of career pick: author. You know, if I'm good enough, that sounds like a fun and exciting way to make a living, AND having a small degree to get me a nice job. But um...
instead of getting a nice pat on the back or a thumbs up like "hey, i'm glad you found a niche to pursue"..... everyone is looking at me like I'm throwing my life away. Yes, I had big plans to go to UVa and pursue a masters in Astro-Physics. I still plan to do that... but not now. There are people who say "oh, I'll go back" and never do. But me..... I did an internship with the top physicist/astronomer at UVa for something like a year, collectively, going up a mountain at 3am and observing planets and stars and moving a huge telescope and.... all that amazing stuff. I am not about to throw away the experience I had. I'm just..... tired. from class and summer school to counteract how badly my schedule messed me up, i havent NOT been studying since before senior year in high school.... and im just completing my 2nd year in college. Kathleen is tired. But I want and WILL go back to school to get a masters. I will NOT be happy until I do. I love science and astronomy in particular. I would never give that up.

but of course, no one believes me. Even if I didn't pursue it in the future, you would think people would be happy for me and support my decision. Of course, with or without them, I'm going to be an author, period. but tell me I'm not crazy.... it's a little insulting to be looked at and for people to tell me "you won't succeed without a bachelor's at the least..."

my dad never went to college and has had a successful business since 1972.
explain that. :)



finally... sorry that was so long..... i think I found my friend! from middle school. I lost touch with him after he was kicked out of school (for reasons I still don't know)... and even thought a few years ago he passed away... and i finally saw him. he walked by me... and i was so scared, I just went with my classmates to the back of the library.... and when i finally worked up the courage to go say hi.... he was gone.....
I don't think anyone understands how important it is that I find him again and talk to him... he quite literally saved my life in middle school.
no matter how hard I try.. I will never be able to forget him. and I won't rest until I find him again.
its been 6 years, but there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about him or where he was...

I'm pathetic.

Life

you're right.
It's beautiful.



I wish there was someone I could share that with.
You inspire me in so many lovely ways, and I make sure to have that little bag of Love strapped to my shoulder every day so everyone knows that I, Kathleen, am truly and honestly all for love. :)

ever known a person...

you thought after all those years of going to movies and hanging out and being stupid with....
you started to like?
I'm still there.
again.
this is NOT good.

things fade.
I hope, for my sake, this is one of them.
I never had, I don't have, and never will have.... a chance.
:/





"Now when i caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought

Of you, of you
You're pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But i don't know what i want
No, i don't know what i want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, i hate this
You're not the one i believe in
With god is my witness"
-perfect song lyrics for this moment

it never ends

all I can say is I've never, even in the past year, been so incredibly upset and frightened as I am right now.

Predicament

I never thought I'd develop any sort of thought about you before.
NEVER thought I'd end up going to sleep thinking about you.
I never realized how close we were.
I never thought anything of it.

This is quite the dilemna. I could never be anything to you, nor could I ever value you more than what we mutually feel.

But of course, minds like to think for themselves, and that doesn't help too much.
I'm thinking the word of the week is "infatuation".
I hope? *awkward face*

Medium

I was fairly certain it couldn't get any lower than it has been.
of course, you should never think things you don't want to come true.
9 times out of 10.... they do.

It's essential that I mention I'm not always this... whiny.
I can have my days, but I'm not one big killjoy. It just happens that whenever I need to sit down and try and calm myself down.... writing seems to help, as many people realize.

It figures that the hardest working man I know, aka Dad, is having hip problems, financial problems, and other such stressors breathing down his neck. This week was the icing on the cake.
Thanks to a lovely family gene thing..... Dad has a bad heart.. he lives off a pacemaker. Not with the help of.... he lives off the damn thing. Of course, during his checkup this week, they found out that one of the wires hooked up between the pacemaker and his upper heart ventricles is wearing out. and it's brand new.
see.... Dad's upper chambers of his heart are basically fine.

his two bottom chambers do not pump at all 99.6% of the time, according to the best doctors around.
..... great.

so, just another thing to add to the mix of what not to think about in public.

it's a tedious, selfish thing to do..... complaining.
I hate how pathetic I sound.
I hate how weak I am.
so vulnerable to the smallest things.
I simply can't handle all this. even though it's not really my burden to bear, how am I to ignore such pain and conflict going on right outside my door?

it breaks my heart to know how horribly broken the strongest, no-nonsense, respect-demanding man on this planet is.
but what really shatters every bit of life in me....
is the fact that I can't do anything, and it gets worse and worse every single day.

a classic example, this blog is.
this is why I need my best friends to be best friends.
not internet buddies and silent personal hangs.
I will not survive without someone to be there.....
my walls can't answer me.
my own mind can't tell me it will be okay.
I can't hold myself and say I'm there for you.

they make me feel so alone.
so lifeless.

as if there's any life left in me at all.

finishing things

finally finished these:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV77MJNkfkM
http://frubafreak17.deviantart.com/art/Rikku-112493579

and my first painting ever:
http://frubafreak17.deviantart.com/art/My-First-Painting-EVER-112493787

I'm glad.
I'm also sad that between the 3 of us, we have $18.
that's just slightly sad.

*breathes* there's got to be an end to the unnessacary plight.



~ I wish I knew you better. honestly.

The Economy Sucks

And therefore, my job sucks.
I'm so poor.
that's laaaame.

We all need to not be poor. for real.
If I ever come into money, everyone who has been kind to me will be appreciated.
or buy everyone a car hahahahaha.
right.
after I buy my 2010 LaCrosse.
and my 1960s Electra 225 Convertable.
mhmm ^_^

Update

It has been a week.
things like to fluctuate between good and bad.
I wish the bad would cut it out.
but it's okay.

and btw, I'm only updating this because I know I only have I think 1 or 2 lookers, and I don't want to disappoint :P
That's not in my nature ^_^

random

One day, all those who've put my family through hell will pay.
and it will be in Hell that they pay it.
because those bastards are assholes.
forreal.
I wish I could do something.
I wish I could do a lot.
But I'm only human.
and liable for my actions hahahaha



"I love you so much, it's retarded"

sadness

::Update::
Kathleen hurt her back and can't really move without pain, so she's in bed.
for a few days.
at least until friday the 23rd.


News flash:
i think some of my so-called friends are not friends..... not the people I hang out with now....
people I've met...
I try talking to them and just try showing support or whatever I can, and I don't get a hello back, a hey how's it goin'... nothing.
it makes me feel sad.
and in case you don't know who you are, let me clear it up for you.
you all live in NJ and I try and try to shower you with support and care.... and it's geniune, and i know we all have lives..... but would it hurt to say hello once in a while?
and it's not just one group of people..... there's a few.


why do all the theives and cheats and liars get away with things, and the good, honest people get screwed?
someone find that answer and get back to me.

I'm not sure what's going to happen

But I certainly hope I live through this.
there's not much more the three of us can take.

It's okay...

to be afraid.
I'm afraid, too.

I just have to remind myself that everything will be okay. Somehow.

New Years Resolutions?

sure, why not.

I have 3

1. Get a better paying job to help my parents with bills.
2. Find a great guy to love.
3. Finish at least one of my novels, making sure it is at least 200 pages long, on my Word, making it about 400 pages.

:)