I was fairly certain it couldn't get any lower than it has been.
of course, you should never think things you don't want to come true.
9 times out of 10.... they do.
It's essential that I mention I'm not always this... whiny.
I can have my days, but I'm not one big killjoy. It just happens that whenever I need to sit down and try and calm myself down.... writing seems to help, as many people realize.
It figures that the hardest working man I know, aka Dad, is having hip problems, financial problems, and other such stressors breathing down his neck. This week was the icing on the cake.
Thanks to a lovely family gene thing..... Dad has a bad heart.. he lives off a pacemaker. Not with the help of.... he lives off the damn thing. Of course, during his checkup this week, they found out that one of the wires hooked up between the pacemaker and his upper heart ventricles is wearing out. and it's brand new.
see.... Dad's upper chambers of his heart are basically fine.
his two bottom chambers do not pump at all 99.6% of the time, according to the best doctors around.
..... great.
so, just another thing to add to the mix of what not to think about in public.
it's a tedious, selfish thing to do..... complaining.
I hate how pathetic I sound.
I hate how weak I am.
so vulnerable to the smallest things.
I simply can't handle all this. even though it's not really my burden to bear, how am I to ignore such pain and conflict going on right outside my door?
it breaks my heart to know how horribly broken the strongest, no-nonsense, respect-demanding man on this planet is.
but what really shatters every bit of life in me....
is the fact that I can't do anything, and it gets worse and worse every single day.
a classic example, this blog is.
this is why I need my best friends to be best friends.
not internet buddies and silent personal hangs.
I will not survive without someone to be there.....
my walls can't answer me.
my own mind can't tell me it will be okay.
I can't hold myself and say I'm there for you.
they make me feel so alone.
so lifeless.
as if there's any life left in me at all.
I have moved over to
15 years ago
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1 comment:
Hi, it's me, cousin Kate. Yes, I'm a lurker. :) I pop in every now and then. My Dad also lived off of machines and medicine, and I know what you're going through. Don't worry. If there's no one within your walls who can give you a hug, at least start with the two outside your walls. They probably need some hugs. Together you all can do it. It may mean making some changes that seem absurd, but if what you're doing isn't working, it's time to try something else. Life does work; you just have to get the recipe right. I'm 9 hours from you, so I can't give you a flesh-and-blood hug, but here's a cyber one. Praying for you all. Lots of love, Kate.
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