Wonderment

First... I have a migraine that feels like it's ready to burst out of my skull and eyes, so I'm going to make this as quick as possible so I can curl up in bed.

okay. Lately, I have been letting some friends and professors I haven't seen in a bit know my current status of career pick: author. You know, if I'm good enough, that sounds like a fun and exciting way to make a living, AND having a small degree to get me a nice job. But um...
instead of getting a nice pat on the back or a thumbs up like "hey, i'm glad you found a niche to pursue"..... everyone is looking at me like I'm throwing my life away. Yes, I had big plans to go to UVa and pursue a masters in Astro-Physics. I still plan to do that... but not now. There are people who say "oh, I'll go back" and never do. But me..... I did an internship with the top physicist/astronomer at UVa for something like a year, collectively, going up a mountain at 3am and observing planets and stars and moving a huge telescope and.... all that amazing stuff. I am not about to throw away the experience I had. I'm just..... tired. from class and summer school to counteract how badly my schedule messed me up, i havent NOT been studying since before senior year in high school.... and im just completing my 2nd year in college. Kathleen is tired. But I want and WILL go back to school to get a masters. I will NOT be happy until I do. I love science and astronomy in particular. I would never give that up.

but of course, no one believes me. Even if I didn't pursue it in the future, you would think people would be happy for me and support my decision. Of course, with or without them, I'm going to be an author, period. but tell me I'm not crazy.... it's a little insulting to be looked at and for people to tell me "you won't succeed without a bachelor's at the least..."

my dad never went to college and has had a successful business since 1972.
explain that. :)



finally... sorry that was so long..... i think I found my friend! from middle school. I lost touch with him after he was kicked out of school (for reasons I still don't know)... and even thought a few years ago he passed away... and i finally saw him. he walked by me... and i was so scared, I just went with my classmates to the back of the library.... and when i finally worked up the courage to go say hi.... he was gone.....
I don't think anyone understands how important it is that I find him again and talk to him... he quite literally saved my life in middle school.
no matter how hard I try.. I will never be able to forget him. and I won't rest until I find him again.
its been 6 years, but there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about him or where he was...

I'm pathetic.

Life

you're right.
It's beautiful.



I wish there was someone I could share that with.
You inspire me in so many lovely ways, and I make sure to have that little bag of Love strapped to my shoulder every day so everyone knows that I, Kathleen, am truly and honestly all for love. :)

ever known a person...

you thought after all those years of going to movies and hanging out and being stupid with....
you started to like?
I'm still there.
again.
this is NOT good.

things fade.
I hope, for my sake, this is one of them.
I never had, I don't have, and never will have.... a chance.
:/





"Now when i caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should have never thought

Of you, of you
You're pushing and pulling me
Down to you
But i don't know what i want
No, i don't know what i want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, i hate this
You're not the one i believe in
With god is my witness"
-perfect song lyrics for this moment

it never ends

all I can say is I've never, even in the past year, been so incredibly upset and frightened as I am right now.

Predicament

I never thought I'd develop any sort of thought about you before.
NEVER thought I'd end up going to sleep thinking about you.
I never realized how close we were.
I never thought anything of it.

This is quite the dilemna. I could never be anything to you, nor could I ever value you more than what we mutually feel.

But of course, minds like to think for themselves, and that doesn't help too much.
I'm thinking the word of the week is "infatuation".
I hope? *awkward face*

Medium

I was fairly certain it couldn't get any lower than it has been.
of course, you should never think things you don't want to come true.
9 times out of 10.... they do.

It's essential that I mention I'm not always this... whiny.
I can have my days, but I'm not one big killjoy. It just happens that whenever I need to sit down and try and calm myself down.... writing seems to help, as many people realize.

It figures that the hardest working man I know, aka Dad, is having hip problems, financial problems, and other such stressors breathing down his neck. This week was the icing on the cake.
Thanks to a lovely family gene thing..... Dad has a bad heart.. he lives off a pacemaker. Not with the help of.... he lives off the damn thing. Of course, during his checkup this week, they found out that one of the wires hooked up between the pacemaker and his upper heart ventricles is wearing out. and it's brand new.
see.... Dad's upper chambers of his heart are basically fine.

his two bottom chambers do not pump at all 99.6% of the time, according to the best doctors around.
..... great.

so, just another thing to add to the mix of what not to think about in public.

it's a tedious, selfish thing to do..... complaining.
I hate how pathetic I sound.
I hate how weak I am.
so vulnerable to the smallest things.
I simply can't handle all this. even though it's not really my burden to bear, how am I to ignore such pain and conflict going on right outside my door?

it breaks my heart to know how horribly broken the strongest, no-nonsense, respect-demanding man on this planet is.
but what really shatters every bit of life in me....
is the fact that I can't do anything, and it gets worse and worse every single day.

a classic example, this blog is.
this is why I need my best friends to be best friends.
not internet buddies and silent personal hangs.
I will not survive without someone to be there.....
my walls can't answer me.
my own mind can't tell me it will be okay.
I can't hold myself and say I'm there for you.

they make me feel so alone.
so lifeless.

as if there's any life left in me at all.

finishing things

finally finished these:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV77MJNkfkM
http://frubafreak17.deviantart.com/art/Rikku-112493579

and my first painting ever:
http://frubafreak17.deviantart.com/art/My-First-Painting-EVER-112493787

I'm glad.
I'm also sad that between the 3 of us, we have $18.
that's just slightly sad.

*breathes* there's got to be an end to the unnessacary plight.



~ I wish I knew you better. honestly.

The Economy Sucks

And therefore, my job sucks.
I'm so poor.
that's laaaame.

We all need to not be poor. for real.
If I ever come into money, everyone who has been kind to me will be appreciated.
or buy everyone a car hahahahaha.
right.
after I buy my 2010 LaCrosse.
and my 1960s Electra 225 Convertable.
mhmm ^_^

Update

It has been a week.
things like to fluctuate between good and bad.
I wish the bad would cut it out.
but it's okay.

and btw, I'm only updating this because I know I only have I think 1 or 2 lookers, and I don't want to disappoint :P
That's not in my nature ^_^