Heart of Gold

There are no words to describe my current state of mind.
The song lyrics that keep playing over in my mind are these:

"Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I wouldn't say I'm thinking extreme thoughts like this song describes..... its not that.
I'm hurt.
again.
it always happens this way.

I busted my ass keeping up with every task I was asked to keep up with, and more.
I made sure to make the smartest decisions for anyone.
I made sure to stay in contact with people.
I made sure to act mature about the situations put into my lap.
I did what I had to do for my family.

and not even one day passes since my return, and I'm told to give up the one thing I've loved doing and still love.
It's not much to anything or anyone who is not a part of it, or in not musical in some way.
but to me.
it was my family.
my strength.

and now.
I can't even be there.
with my so called friends.
and my other friends.
in the environment I've grown to endure for nearly 8 years.

tough times ahead.
and now the strength is drained from me.