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Freedom

finally a night where I got all my work done.
and all I can think to do is read.
and think about him.

all these years of bouncing back and forth from whether I have some sort of feeling for him or not.
thats a yes for right now.
we'll see what happens.

perhaps someone finally cares for me. :)

New York Baby!

I'll be there for a few days soon!
:)

This could get ugly

I love that song :)
go listen?

http://www.myspace.com/thetitlenj

:)
<3

Follow Your Heart

My heart is beating halfheartedly, no pun intended.
I need someone to complete me.

Two and a half years..... is a long time to go without a longer than 5 second hug.
a looong time.

I have a passion in me that aches to release itself.
I'm such a loving person.

I can't wait to meet Sebastian one day.
soon.
and Thue.
and all the people in my life that I have caring feelings for, with returned ones, that have yearned to somehow meet me too. Sebastian will come in a bananaplane from Chile, and Thue gets to come to America from Greenland to study abroad.
and near me too!

Sebastian and I have talked for years now.
almost 3.
its like how my parents were.
they spoke through written letters for 6 WHOPPING YEARS before even meeting. and then marrying only after meeting once.
its amazing to me.
what a love story.

but still...
i want love.
I know there are few that read this, but still...
all you hear me say is i want love, blah blah blah

but you know... or kind of know me.
I'm not skinny or beautiful.
im slightly above average round with a kind of pretty rep.

but we know i think worse. :/
but still.
that gives no one the right to judge me for anything more than what I am anyway.
right?

someone comment me for once and tell me they agree.
or not.
something?
please?

i feel so lonely sometimes.
its too bad the people whom live near me don't know how much I truly care for them.
have feelings for them.
mostly, its people who could never like me, butttt still :P
maybe one day.
dreams can happen.

and in my dreams, they do.
lets pull that to reality, ay?

hearts

I wish I could hold your hand in mine tonight.
Soon, we'll be able to hold eachother tight.

Soon.

That is, if you'll have me.

classessssssssssssss

so many classes.
holy crap.
i have psychology, french 3, caclculus, PE, and Advanced Composition.
and next semester, it gets harder... and then next summer, it gets worse. No breaks till the end of my 3rd year.
GAH!
crazy shit, for real.
im so worn out.
with summer classes this past summer and all that other shit...
omg.

so i totally started another book to write.
that makes the 3rd.
I finished one [and need to extend it since its really short], and am only beginning to write the 4th chapter of the second one.
but i want to make sure my ideas are there.
forreal forreal.

fun stuff :D

More than you know

I just noticed that someone voted in my pole, to the left, and said I am nicer than I know.
That's comforting.

So, despite the fact that the very people I DON'T want, nor ever wished to see this might, I need to get it out there.
Hopefully, they won't be able to pick it out.

I tend to "like" someone.. rather fast.
Despite my persistence, it never fails that if someone is BOTH intellectually and physically attractive, I tend to have thing for them.

There are a few people I have not gotten off my mind.

It is unfortunate.

I am living a soap opera life.
No matter how much I believe it, the rest, or at least 95% of the guys/boys/men I know believe in one word.

Sex.

I am the one who has always wanted Love.

Love love love.

no matter what the physical appearance is.
Looks change.
but a personality can be a very solid, unchanging thing.
Case closed. end of story.

i am not beautiful... externally.
but I have "a heart of gold".
I have everything in a woman you could ever want, or could need.....
and yet I am always overlooked.
What happened to the honesty in this world?

Guy #1: I wish that your independance would go away for 2 seconds so that I could, finally, build up the courage to approach you. Just a smile gets me all lightheaded.

Guy #2: I've known you a VERY short time. But there's something about you. Something my heat yearns to explore.

Guy #3: I think you are too involved with someone else. I think there is something special about you, and somehow, I can't help but want to just see your face again. I don't know when that will be, but I can't tell you how much I wish those words..... were for me.


is it wrong to like more than 1 person? no. everyone does at some point.

I just want someone to love.

I was bruised by an abusive past relationship.
That doesn't mean I'm damaged goods.
I'm no more loving than I was then.

I'm afraid to care.
always the hurt.
will someone please prove to me that love is not lost?
join me by my side.
give me the chance that I should not be denied.

"People should not make decisions over [fear] or prejudice or stupidity, but on the real issues. The things that count."
-Chris Matthews [on an UNrelated matter]

Heart of Gold

There are no words to describe my current state of mind.
The song lyrics that keep playing over in my mind are these:

"Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I wouldn't say I'm thinking extreme thoughts like this song describes..... its not that.
I'm hurt.
again.
it always happens this way.

I busted my ass keeping up with every task I was asked to keep up with, and more.
I made sure to make the smartest decisions for anyone.
I made sure to stay in contact with people.
I made sure to act mature about the situations put into my lap.
I did what I had to do for my family.

and not even one day passes since my return, and I'm told to give up the one thing I've loved doing and still love.
It's not much to anything or anyone who is not a part of it, or in not musical in some way.
but to me.
it was my family.
my strength.

and now.
I can't even be there.
with my so called friends.
and my other friends.
in the environment I've grown to endure for nearly 8 years.

tough times ahead.
and now the strength is drained from me.

so little sleep

I am only writing now, even though I am running on 48 hours without sleep.. and that was not a planned or wanted thing... to say the following..... and ill elaborate or..... tell tomorrow more.

"It's good to see you back"
and me? I'm thinking "is it?"

yeah, im full of making sense.
im way too tired to elaborate.
ill explain tomorrow sometime