Friday, December 12, 2008

People are so Lame

I hate people who are ignorant..
or disrespectful.
It's one thing to think to yourself "gee, I wonder about that one".... or whatever vile comments run through people's minds these days.

But to blatantly ask outloud "are you a guy or a girl?"
that's a bunch of shit.
all those who go around asking stupid questions like this to others....
go hang yourself.


Moving along, as a personal note.... and I'm slightly hesitant to write this RIGHT below that up there......

but I am coming up on being single for 3 years..................
everyone I know, or mostly, is hooked up with someone, likes someone with mutual liking back, or something.....
no guy looks at me.
talks to me.
no one is interested.
it sickens me that most people are acting like the above people who should go die.
it figures.
maybe I should become a whore and just fuck it all.

but I can't.
I'm not dirty.
I'm not desperate.
I'm not easy.
I'm not a whore.
and sorry.... it takes more than "hello gorgeous" to lay me on my back.
just sayin'.

I actually give a damn about what I am and what I do.
I care.
unlike some of the losers I know here in Hickville.
it sucks.
The overwhelming crowd of dickheads, disrespectful never-should-have-existed morons, pimps, and thoughtless bastards are drowning out the calls I am waiting to receive from that of my true love........

everyone really needs to shut the fuck up.
I can't hear anything.

Friday, December 5, 2008

it's been so long

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eGRaPi-Fzg&watch_response

and YAY! I got a job! :)

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Twilight and some updates

first off, Terry and I went to see the movie Twilight tonight.
it was amazing.
can't wait to see it again :P

just a sidenote, more for myself than anything.... but the downtown mall tonight gave me a weird feeling... when we walked out of the theater, it gave me such a feeling of..... mystery. Like there was something to discover in there or something. I don't even know. I just wish I had my camera to capture it all.

updates:
I am no longer going to major in astro-physics
or biotechnology.
I'm getting a liberal arts degree and becoming a writer.
4 books are already in process.
and children's books are in the thought process.
written and illustrating will be done by me.
oh yeah.

still single.
3 years on my birthday.
in march.
hmmmmmmmmmm.
I don't like it. I'm still dwelling in that which can no longer hurt me.
and it yet, it still is managing to hurt me.
no matter how easy I talk about it to anyone... I can hide it well from others
but it hurts a lot yet.


my friend made me a short minute long tune for me to write music to.
I LOVED the mix he made. It's amazing, and I can't wait to really make this into a real song.
i keep talking about writing songs, and nothing gets done.
its not that I've lied...
I just either get stuck writing a tune, forget the tune I thought of elsewhere, or have trouble writing lyrics.
but this new beat has given me a new kick.
im ready to make things come to life.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

...

I wish my heart would make up it's mind.

:(

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I don't think

I could be happier than I am right now.
Go Obama!

My breathing just got easier.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Same old...

... song and dance.
I need to create something new.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

You know things are desperately wrong...

when you're fighting like I am.
So many problems.
Right now, my family and I have no money.
we are minus in the bank accounts and without work.
We can't pay our bills.
We can't go and buy gas tomorrow.
I'm stuck here in my room until gas can get into the cars.
I've got to be able to get a paycheck.
If I don't, I'm scared to know what will happen.

I am applying to 4 jobs at the moment, trying to get something in one of them.
I've got to get work somehow.
I've got to make money.

I'm so frightened.
I don't want to lose the house.
I don't want to lose the cars.
my life.
I'm so frightened for the sake of my parents.
and myself.
I feel myself slipping into dangerous thoughts more and more each day.
I'm so frightened for myself.

I keep thinking about the accident from 2006.
I'm so afraid of what will happen to me.
No one wants to help us.
We're going to keep trying, but who has $1800 for us to pay the mortgage?

I can't stop the tears from falling.
I try to hold strong.
but I can't.
It's so hard.
I can't do anything fast enough.

I'm only 19.
I want to be able to live through this into the future.

isn't there anyone out there who can help us?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Freedom

finally a night where I got all my work done.
and all I can think to do is read.
and think about him.

all these years of bouncing back and forth from whether I have some sort of feeling for him or not.
thats a yes for right now.
we'll see what happens.

perhaps someone finally cares for me. :)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

New York Baby!

I'll be there for a few days soon!
:)

Friday, September 12, 2008

This could get ugly

I love that song :)
go listen?

http://www.myspace.com/thetitlenj

:)
<3

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Follow Your Heart

My heart is beating halfheartedly, no pun intended.
I need someone to complete me.

Two and a half years..... is a long time to go without a longer than 5 second hug.
a looong time.

I have a passion in me that aches to release itself.
I'm such a loving person.

I can't wait to meet Sebastian one day.
soon.
and Thue.
and all the people in my life that I have caring feelings for, with returned ones, that have yearned to somehow meet me too. Sebastian will come in a bananaplane from Chile, and Thue gets to come to America from Greenland to study abroad.
and near me too!

Sebastian and I have talked for years now.
almost 3.
its like how my parents were.
they spoke through written letters for 6 WHOPPING YEARS before even meeting. and then marrying only after meeting once.
its amazing to me.
what a love story.

but still...
i want love.
I know there are few that read this, but still...
all you hear me say is i want love, blah blah blah

but you know... or kind of know me.
I'm not skinny or beautiful.
im slightly above average round with a kind of pretty rep.

but we know i think worse. :/
but still.
that gives no one the right to judge me for anything more than what I am anyway.
right?

someone comment me for once and tell me they agree.
or not.
something?
please?

i feel so lonely sometimes.
its too bad the people whom live near me don't know how much I truly care for them.
have feelings for them.
mostly, its people who could never like me, butttt still :P
maybe one day.
dreams can happen.

and in my dreams, they do.
lets pull that to reality, ay?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

hearts

I wish I could hold your hand in mine tonight.
Soon, we'll be able to hold eachother tight.

Soon.

That is, if you'll have me.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

classessssssssssssss

so many classes.
holy crap.
i have psychology, french 3, caclculus, PE, and Advanced Composition.
and next semester, it gets harder... and then next summer, it gets worse. No breaks till the end of my 3rd year.
GAH!
crazy shit, for real.
im so worn out.
with summer classes this past summer and all that other shit...
omg.

so i totally started another book to write.
that makes the 3rd.
I finished one [and need to extend it since its really short], and am only beginning to write the 4th chapter of the second one.
but i want to make sure my ideas are there.
forreal forreal.

fun stuff :D

Saturday, September 6, 2008

More than you know

I just noticed that someone voted in my pole, to the left, and said I am nicer than I know.
That's comforting.

So, despite the fact that the very people I DON'T want, nor ever wished to see this might, I need to get it out there.
Hopefully, they won't be able to pick it out.

I tend to "like" someone.. rather fast.
Despite my persistence, it never fails that if someone is BOTH intellectually and physically attractive, I tend to have thing for them.

There are a few people I have not gotten off my mind.

It is unfortunate.

I am living a soap opera life.
No matter how much I believe it, the rest, or at least 95% of the guys/boys/men I know believe in one word.

Sex.

I am the one who has always wanted Love.

Love love love.

no matter what the physical appearance is.
Looks change.
but a personality can be a very solid, unchanging thing.
Case closed. end of story.

i am not beautiful... externally.
but I have "a heart of gold".
I have everything in a woman you could ever want, or could need.....
and yet I am always overlooked.
What happened to the honesty in this world?

Guy #1: I wish that your independance would go away for 2 seconds so that I could, finally, build up the courage to approach you. Just a smile gets me all lightheaded.

Guy #2: I've known you a VERY short time. But there's something about you. Something my heat yearns to explore.

Guy #3: I think you are too involved with someone else. I think there is something special about you, and somehow, I can't help but want to just see your face again. I don't know when that will be, but I can't tell you how much I wish those words..... were for me.


is it wrong to like more than 1 person? no. everyone does at some point.

I just want someone to love.

I was bruised by an abusive past relationship.
That doesn't mean I'm damaged goods.
I'm no more loving than I was then.

I'm afraid to care.
always the hurt.
will someone please prove to me that love is not lost?
join me by my side.
give me the chance that I should not be denied.

"People should not make decisions over [fear] or prejudice or stupidity, but on the real issues. The things that count."
-Chris Matthews [on an UNrelated matter]

Friday, September 5, 2008

Heart of Gold

There are no words to describe my current state of mind.
The song lyrics that keep playing over in my mind are these:

"Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I wouldn't say I'm thinking extreme thoughts like this song describes..... its not that.
I'm hurt.
again.
it always happens this way.

I busted my ass keeping up with every task I was asked to keep up with, and more.
I made sure to make the smartest decisions for anyone.
I made sure to stay in contact with people.
I made sure to act mature about the situations put into my lap.
I did what I had to do for my family.

and not even one day passes since my return, and I'm told to give up the one thing I've loved doing and still love.
It's not much to anything or anyone who is not a part of it, or in not musical in some way.
but to me.
it was my family.
my strength.

and now.
I can't even be there.
with my so called friends.
and my other friends.
in the environment I've grown to endure for nearly 8 years.

tough times ahead.
and now the strength is drained from me.

so little sleep

I am only writing now, even though I am running on 48 hours without sleep.. and that was not a planned or wanted thing... to say the following..... and ill elaborate or..... tell tomorrow more.

"It's good to see you back"
and me? I'm thinking "is it?"

yeah, im full of making sense.
im way too tired to elaborate.
ill explain tomorrow sometime

Friday, August 29, 2008

hide and seek

"where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads - heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first..."



what started as just a song for laughs with some friends.
and now i truly appreciate it's worth.
such a lovely song...
to me :)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

i think...

there's something wrong with what you said.
it sorta hurt to see it.....
i never say shit when you're being a complete bitch.
i try to help.

that really hurt.
made me wonder if you really meant what you said saturday.

Friday, August 22, 2008

life is very short

and there's no time for fussing and fighting [my friends].
i have always thought that it's a crime
so i will ask you once again...

try to see it my way.
only time we'll tell anybody's if I'm right or I am wrong.
why d'you to see it your way.
there's a chance that we may fall apart before too long.

we can work it out.


Good song.
love me some Beatles.
hate me some stupid assholes :DDDD

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'm ready

to go back.

But first, we need to be there for Dad.

until then...
I can only be optimistic. :]

Sunday, August 17, 2008

It had to be Done

Today, I had to leave my place in the UVa Cavalier Marching Band.
It was, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
But my place is needed at home, as Dad approaches surgery.
I'm pretty sure it was more than the weight of my bags that I left with this morning.
I know this is what I have to do... but I hope that after surgery, he'll recover quickly, and I'll be able to go back to the family I belong to.
I'm sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone... but this morning, I left discreetly, hoping my absence would go unnoticed, and that I'd be back tonight... which will not be happening...for now.

I've never felt so completely torn apart.

I guess this is what I get for not looking forward to bandcamp.
I'm such a fool.

I...

already miss everyone so much it hurts.
but my place is elsewhere tonight.
im sorry...

Friday, August 15, 2008

imma stick the key in the ignition

and go home.
forreal.
fuck this mood.

band camp...

is already boring me.
i'm fighting through the sweat and aches to help my body and to strengthen myself.
but...
I already feel as left out as ever... and nothing's really happened.

what's wrong with me feeling this shitty?
why am I feeling this way?

I'm already regretting coming back.
I'm regretting everything.
And this is not how this summer is going to end.
Yeah, I hate how i go to bed with a bad/hurting shoulder...
i hate how my legs refuse to heal for me, despite the fact that I've done WAY worse work than what I put forth all year here.
i hate being so nervous to be with everyone... my so called family.

i miss the days where i knew everyone, could laugh, be myself.
I'm not myself around these people.
and i let everything seem so much worse than it all really is.

it sucks.
I hate who i am when I'm here...
and if this continues, this will be my last year.

after 7 straight years of marching...
im ready to take my life back.
im ready to try new things.
im ready to have that extra 2 hours for homework.
im ready to have a real, full summer.
im ready to move on.

im ready to go home.


and everyone... even myself... was right...
it only took one glance.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Meteor Shower Take 1

After really fast news, I randomly hopped in my car at 1am and drove to Kyle's house to lay out in a fricken cold, uncomfortable coldisac [sp].

it was the wildest, craziest night.
It was fun :]

2 more days till band camp.

oh goodie.........

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I...

have so much to do in so little time.
band camp check-in for me is in 4 days.
I haven't heard a word from the Title guys about my march request.
I probably freaked them out haha.
wouldn't be surprised... I asked a lot out of them.........
but hey, if they were to accept, how would I feel if I HADN'T asked, you know?

anyway, pretty sure I'll be going on a dinner "date" with a friend before camp starts, hopefully.
so we'll see what happens there.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Sweet

I gots my hurr cut today haha.
Actually, I just got bangs added. I'm trying to grow out my hair, but I wanted to add to it. It was boring, so... took a chance on it.
and I like it :]

Also, may go on a date soon :D
it's pretty cooool

Monday, August 4, 2008

Well Gee.

This sucks.

A lot.
Like nobody's business.
too bad it's too private to say say.

I am going to be miserable at band camp.
heat, stress....... on top of stupid doctors and stupid past things.

ng.
I need a hug...
since all my friends have been not around to give me one. :/

Friday, August 1, 2008

CherryBlossom Shimmers

Random title, right?
right.

anyway, I am now a proud owner of an acoustic guitar.
It was being sold for $165, but the guy gave it to me for $100, which was great.
I'm not too worried about how great it is..... I mean, I am, but you know.
It's only my first guitar.
and if I ever decide to get a better quality one, I will.
I've been practicing everyday at least twice, pulling it out of the case and just playing around with the chords I already learned.
I'm also taking online lessons...
and I tuned it by myself today!! yay!
it was great :D
thanks to band, I can tune by ear, but I will probably invest in a tuner anyway.... no big.

and that is all.
I'm not looking to be the next great guitarist.
I just want to be able to play some chords and sing a song, you know?

the simpliest things can have the sweetest rewards ^_^

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Let's Move to London

In the course of about 3 hours, I was hit on, described, and my whole life story was laid out to a nice young man named John... who lives in London.

it sucks.
everyone who wants something of me is in every country BUT here.
wtf is up with that....
not cool.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

2 seconds later

It hurts.
so much.
I can't describe it.

Something's been ripped from me.
Leaving me helpless and vulnerable to the weaknesses that play within my heart.
I'm so gullible.
I love to love.
I want to love.

I need someone to love.
and to love me back.

It literally chokes me to hear the things people think when it comes to love and if it exists.
It does.

and I wish, oh I wish, it would come back to me.
I can't be with whom I currently want.
too many complications.
too much distance.
not enough time or knowledge.
it's saddening.

I'm sick of being left heart-broken.
:'(

Almost over

Finally almost free from Summer classes.
for only 3 weeks :(
I'm so nervous about this year. So many hard classes, and I have to take more classes in the summer..... again.
damnit.

I miss Nick and Mike E. and Mike D. and Austin and Joe.
a lot.
it's slightly annoying.
but I guess I can't deny the effects their music has on me.
and how nice they all are.
:)

there are other things on my mind, but that will be a seperate blog.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Full Length Tale of my holyshitthatsalongwaytodriveforthefirsttimeomgomgilovethetitlewtfnomoresongshanakedpeople Day

Alrighty.
As promised, my writing of my adventures from yesterday’s awesome day begins.
and uhh, sorry its so long.
i wanted to remember everything.

Kyle got to my house around 3pm, and we decided to leave the house at 3:15. It was interestingly boring at first. We talked for awhile as I cruised the roads I knew. After finally making it I-95, about an hour and a half into the ride, we stopped to top off the gas…. Only $12 dollars worth.

Oh darn :P

And then we had a quick meal at KFC lol.
Random

Anyway, after 30+ minutes of dilly dally, we got back on 95. It was a pain. Lots of fast people. Can’t say I was the slowest.
otherwise, No problems from there.

Got to the community Center and I was instantly relieved.
Dad and I had been nervous about the car and such, and guess what. The center… was next to a church.
Lmao. No comment needed.

Anyway, I found a parking spot, and whatev. We went in the wrong building at first, but that was an okay mistake. Because when we walked toward the right building, who was standing outside? A handful of people, including some Title members!
I walked up the ramp, Nick saw me, and was like “WHOA! Heyyy!” :P And he started kinda half walking towards me, so I just kinda said “That’s all? It’s been months, and that’s the best you can do?”So he walked up to me and gave me a hug, and we talked for 2 seconds, and then he directed us where to get tickets, and so we said our “see you inside”.
So Kyle and I walked around to the ticket area and paid. Then went inside and sat down near the Title’s merch table [and I seriously didn’t realize this until after we sat down :P] and listened to the remainder of the band “Unprecedented”. They were really good, and did an excellent cover of a Blink 182 song.
It was amazing.

And during one of the songs, Mike D., the guitarist for TT, came over and GAVE ME MY SIGNED SHIRT! Yaaaay lol. He said he was sorry for it taking so long, and all I could think to say, in my excitement, was that it was even better to get it personally, and that’s true.

After Unprecedented finished, I went up to the Title’s merch table and decided to buy the new CD and the Acoustic CD. And in my endeavor to do this, I made a new friend. Matt from “All for Love Apparel”. He was there with the Title, and so he was the one helping to sell stuff, and we got to talking, including him trying to get me to buy a bag. Lol. And I quote “they’re awesooome, you really shooould.”

Anyway, after that, some people that were sitting in couches up front got up to go outside or something, so Kyle and I took the opportunity, and relocated to the upfront and personal area nearest the stage. And during the break, Matt ended up coming in from outside, and in an attempt to get me to buy a bag, we started talking for about… eh, 5 minutes.
About 5 minutes later, Nick walked in from outside, and told me “we’re going on next.”

So…
I got my camera ready to start filming, and people started to gather, so I got up and stood right up front, up close and personal with Austin and Nick and Mike [he moved a little bit]…. And the pretty, black speakers.

Let’s just say I couldn’t hear out my right ear for a while.

So I recorded everything except “Where you are”, which I already regret, but… what can I say? I wanted to really get into it, and I had a video of it :P [but due to my almost immediate regret, I recorded the rest, no matter what they were :P]

It was amazing.
With Nick’s/Mike E.’s 2 little sisters sitting up front and center of Nick, I was so glad to hear them perform more than 3 songs :D I was sad that it ended when it did… even though it was like half an hour… but if you ask me, they could have played all day long, and I wouldn’t have stopped listening. Not once.

Anyway, after they were done, I went back to the merch table and decided… eh, why not. I went over, where Matt was, and now joined by John N00b [whom I knew from the first time I saw the Title], and I bought another shirt :P and a bag… couldn’t help it. Matt sold it so well lol. It was a $20 buy… but…

I told Matt as I handed the money over that “I put in a little extra” and he smiled and said they appreciated, and he opened up the $20 I had wrapped…
and…

I had given them $30.

I hope this goes over the right way, but I felt a sense of good when I saw this eyes widen, and I don’t mean that in a creepy way… just in a “whoa” way. Like last time, they couldn’t do more than say “are you sure?” But, I really wanted them to have it. I wouldn’t let them NOT. [plus, unlike last time, this time I was ACTUALLY giving more, but last time I didn’t realize I was only giving like…. A dollar more. :/]

After that, we all started talking again, including me allegedly stealing all the “all for love” stickers :P. We talked for a good while, and in that time, I managed to get a few pictures with Matt, and when Nick came over, I managed pictures with him too. They were definitely funny and even more fun to pose for lmao.
After that, Nick and I talked about the tour and a few other things for a short while. Which I was glad for. Always helps for people who are attempting to be friends through limited personal talking to actually… talk.

Anyway, Kyle and I then went outside for a while. It was REAAAAAALLY hot in there.
We talked on the stairs for awhile, while listening to the group “Lauren D’aria”. Lauren can REALLY sing. She, too, was amazing. [so amazing, we went back in for her last song]
Well, it came to be 9:15, and with a 3 hour ride ahead, we really had to go. So I went to say goodbye to Matt and John, gaining the 3rd or 4th hug from Matt, and a little more conversation, and wishings of safe trips and hoping no more nakedness on the bandvan LMAO.

We went outside then through the door and ramp in which I saw Nick initially when we got there, and they were all out back skateboarding and just… havin a good time. So we passed, me being the dumb nervous one, and went to the car. Then back to pass again, and finally around to say my goodbyes. I got to meet Nick and Mike’s mom and get introduced to the sisters as well. That was exciting. Austin, Mike D., Nick and I talked for about 2 minutes [and Mike E. passed through with an Irishish accent to say “’Ello, ‘ello. that’s me mom”… excuse me, I mean Mum. :P]
Finally, after getting a goodbye hug from Nick and a handshake from his mom, we left.
The drive home was fun, with a nice stop at Sheetz for MTO stuffs, yum.

And in closing….
That was my first looong, out of state road trip.
And I don’t think it could have been for a better reason.
Another unforgettable show, unforgettable people, and unforgettable memories.


I love the Title <3

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Out the Roof amazing

So today was the day Kyle and I went to see the Title and the Apathy Eulogy in their last show before returning to NJ.
it was beyond amazing.
They played amazing.
the other bands there were excellent.
and I made a new friend :D [All for Love guy, Matt. he's awesome lol]

I'm so tired right now, but I'm so happy from today.
It was another amazing show.
and only my second.
:/
Damn it all lol.

I can't wait to see them again.
I don't think they truly know how much they mean to me as a band and as individuals.
if I can even say that.
since the only one I've really held a conversation with is Nick and now Matt. lol.
But really.
there is true talent in this bunch.

I'll write full details tomorrow.
ish. :]

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Blog No. 1

wow.
just kinda felt like starting this.
Can't wait to see The Title in concert on Saturday.
exciting.

im a bit angry with myself right now.
im so stupid.

I wish I wasn't this way.